Friday, August 19, 2011

Sometimes I wish I had faith

It's hard when you don't have a faith to fall back on. At times I really wish I did. Maybe it would be easier to reconcile the why's. Logic sometimes has no reason.
Not the George Michael kind of faith either. Although, great song. Love it. Well, I guess it would be nice.
Sometimes it makes you wonder about it all. Not in the existential sense, because I'm not all that fond of putting my life in someone else's hands and/or decisions. I like to think that when I fuck up, it's all my own doing. A learning experience if you will. They say that fail stands for First Attempt In Learning. I don't know what a second, third or fifteenth fail stands for.
I digress.
Our family has had some shite thrown at it lately. We are sitting tight on the premise that we have had our fair share and are up for a bit of sunshine and growth now.
If you are in my close circle you will know that my cousin took her own life recently. I am only going to state the painfully unobvious here in this post and indelicately rude and inappropriate, because I will bust into a fit of tears otherwise. And that, whilst perhaps good reading, does not allow me to finish what I have started.
I am angry. I am livid. I can't believe what she has done to me. Despite what she thought was going on, I am fucking gutted that she did not give me the opportunity to stop this. She has a fucking daughter that has to grow up in the shadow of a mum who has done this. I have to explain suicide to my own children when they should be learning fucking times tables.
I am heartbroken, I am despondent, I am losing lustre for life. I feel like she has taken an easy route out, a sucker's route, a selfish route. I have been feeling pain that is indescribable and I haven't fucking hung myself. Why the fuck did she?
I am.... lost. I don't know what to do most times of the day now. I think of her at random moments. I wonder. I don't understand.
I want to wake up from a really, really bad dream. And I was wrong earlier, because nothing will let me finish this yet. Open wounds and all that. I still can't voice all I want to say.
I want this not to be happening though.

1 comment:

  1. I see you published this last summer, and I have no idea what's happened since. I am so sorry. You and I kept up with each other's blogs a bit in 2010. I saw your blog on my About page -- hadn't look there in a while -- and decided to check over here. I am so so sorry.

    I remember someone said once about someone else who had killed himself -- when everyone was struggling to understand HOW anyone could be that selfish -- that certain kinds of depression are literally intolerable. That no one could endure that kind of pain. It's beyond the comprehension of people who haven't experienced it. I don't know if that's helpful or not.